The Onion
- Week In Review: September 25, 2022 September 25, 2022Full article.Read more...
- Putin Stays Up Late Constantly Refreshing Website For Results From Rigged Elections September 23, 2022MOSCOW—Clicking back and forth between the open tabs on his web browser, Russian President Vladimir Putin reportedly stayed up late Friday night, constantly refreshing a website to check for results from a rigged referendum to determine whether occupied areas of Ukraine would join Russia. “I already know what’s going…Read more...
- U.N. Mysteriously Disappears After Criticizing Russia September 23, 2022NEW YORK—Expressing shock and outrage at the sudden end to the General Assembly’s 2022 session, sources reported Friday that the United Nations had mysteriously disappeared after criticizing Russia. “U.S. intelligence assets received no warning that U.N. Headquarters in Manhattan would vanish completely and without a…Read more...
- GOP Congressional Candidate Says U.S. Suffered From Women’s Suffrage September 23, 2022Michigan GOP congressional candidate, John Gibbs, reportedly started a self-described “think tank” while in college, called the Society for the Critique of Feminism, that argued women’s suffrage negatively impacted the country and that women should not vote or work outside the home. What do you think?Read more...
- Child Not Talented Enough Artist To Get Across Homicidal Ideations September 23, 2022TULSA, OK—After the drawing he made of a sinister killer wielding a knife came out looking more like a smiling kid holding a banana, it became apparent Friday that local 8-year-old Brandon McHurst simply wasn’t talented enough as an artist to convey his homicidal ideations. “I really like this one, Brandon—what gave…Read more...
- The Pros And Cons Of Fast Fashion September 23, 2022Fast fashion, the trend of clothing producers replicating high-fashion designs and selling them at lower prices, has grown in recent years to become a nearly $100 billion industry, and some have criticized its consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of fast fashion.Read more...
- NASA Announces Mars Rover Ran Into Jason Schwartzman But Didn’t Take Any Pictures Because It Didn’t Want To Be Weird September 23, 2022Read more...
- Niemann Cheating Scandal Spirals Out Of Control As Magnus Carlsen’s Rook Found Dead September 23, 2022OSLO, NORWAY—In a dramatic escalation of a story that has gripped the chess world for weeks, the Hans Niemann cheating scandal reportedly spiraled out of control Friday as one of Magnus Carlsen’s longtime rooks was found shot dead in an Oslo alleyway. “At this time we are investigating this as a premeditated…Read more...
- Chicago Constructs $33 Million Replica Of Justice System To Train Police In Tactical Jail Evasion September 23, 2022CHICAGO—Arguing that the facility could potentially help officers avoid countless years in prison, the City of Chicago reportedly constructed a $33 million replica of the justice system Friday to train police in tactical jail evasion. “With this state-of-the-art training facility, officers will be taught the latest,…Read more...
- Experts Recommend Americans Prepare 2-3 Dance Moves In Case Excited Circle Forms Around Them September 23, 2022WASHINGTON—Saying those unable to execute a satisfying dance sequence posed a severe threat to the vibe, experts from the Department of Health and Human Services recommended Friday that every American have two to three moves prepared in the event an excited circle of clapping people formed around them. “If any…Read more...
- Wisconsinites Explain Why They Are Voting For Ron Johnson September 23, 2022This November, Sen. Ron Johnson will face reelection in the state of Wisconsin. The Onion asked Wisconsinites why they are voting for the two-term Republican, and this is what they said.Read more...
- 48 Charged For Stealing $250 Million In Pandemic Funds Meant To Feed Needy Children September 23, 2022United States authorities charged 48 people in Minnesota with conspiracy and other counts in what they said Tuesday was the largest pandemic-related fraud scheme yet, stealing $250 million from a federal program that provides meals to low-income children. What do you think?Read more...
- Man At Strip Club Buffet Pays Extra To Get Private Time In Backroom With Buffalo Wing September 23, 2022PEABODY, MA—Saying he was looking forward to a more up-close-and-personal experience, local man Todd Hampton reportedly paid extra at the Déjà Vu strip club buffet Friday to get some private time in the backroom with a buffalo wing. “Oh yeah, ever since I stepped in the club I’ve had my eyes on this pretty little…Read […]
- Flamethrower Set To Mist September 23, 2022Read more...
- New York Attorney General Sues Trump Family For Business Fraud September 22, 2022New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit accusing former President Donald Trump and three of his grown children of flagrantly manipulating property valuations to deceive lenders and to reduce their tax liability. What do you think?Read more...
- ‘I’m Mr. Q The Pedophile Or Whatever,’ Trump Says In Half-Assed Attempt To Pander To QAnon September 22, 2022YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Addressing a rally this week with a lazy attempt to appeal to his supporters, former President Donald Trump said, ‘I’m Mr. Q the pedophile or whatever,” in a half-assed attempt to pander to QAnon. “Yeah, that’s right, it’s me, Mr. Q, the pizza demon, and I have kids in my basement and who knows […]
- This Southwestern Casserole Is So Good It Will Be The Only Thing Your Child Remembers About You After You Die September 22, 2022Read more...
- Who Will Be The Republican Nominee In 2024? September 22, 2022Although the election isn’t for another two years, it’s never too early to drive ourselves completely insane by speculating on the nominees. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans for their predictions on who will lead the GOP ticket in the 2024 presidential election.Read more...
- Americans Explain Why Dark Money Should Be Allowed In Elections September 22, 2022Political nonprofits spent more than $2.4 billion in undisclosed cash during the 2020 election cycle, and this week, a bill that would require them to begin disclosing their donors is expected to fail in the Senate. The Onion asked Americans to explain why they support dark money.Read more...