The Onion

• Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case August 10, 2022
  A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?Read more...
• SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot August 10, 2022
  WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…Read more...
• Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family August 10, 2022
  SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved […]
• Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House August 10, 2022
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• Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors August 10, 2022
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• Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid August 10, 2022
  “Fuck him. I got my judges.”Read more...
• Astronaut Clearly Only Selected For Mission Because He’s Related To Moon August 10, 2022
  WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn’t have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic was clearly only selected for their mission because he was related to the moon. “Right from the beginning, it’s been extremely clear that Joseph…Read more...
• New ‘BroSludge’ Company Markets Orange Guck For Men August 10, 2022
  CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called “BroSludge” debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. “When men need to rock and roll and hit the town, there’s nothing like ‘BroSludge’ to give you the guck you need,” said CEO Brandon Blake, who appeared…Read more...
• Scientist Admits ‘Space Telescope Image’ Actually Slice Of Chorizo August 10, 2022
  A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a “distant star” snapped by the James Webb Telescope. What do you think?Read more...
• Woman Not Attractive Enough To Look Good Wet August 10, 2022
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• Trump Boys Thrilled FBI Seized Documents, Leaving Dozens Of Empty Boxes To Play In August 9, 2022
  PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly thrilled Monday when the FBI seized classified documents from Mar-a-Lago and left behind dozens of empty boxes for them to play in. “C’mon, Eric, get…Read more...
• Kim Kardashian, Pete Davidson Break Up August 9, 2022
  Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think?Read more...
• Relieved Trump Thought Mar-A-Lago Raid Was About All The Bodies August 9, 2022
  BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters Tuesday, saying that he had assumed the early morning raid of his Palm Beach resort was all about the bodies. “Thank God! When I first heard…Read more...
• Serena Williams Announces Retirement From Tennis To Focus On Dominating Field Of Motherhood August 9, 2022
  JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to focus on dominating the field of motherhood. “I’ve had my eye on becoming the greatest mother in the world for a long time, and I have now reached the point…Read […]
• Kim Kardashian Vows To Never Forget Incredible Publicity She Shared With Pete August 9, 2022
  LOS ANGELES—Claiming she would cherish the headlines they made together for the rest of her life, reality TV star Kim Kardashian vowed Tuesday to never forget the incredible publicity she shared with Saturday Night Live alumnus Pete Davidson. “The last nine months were some of the most widely publicized of my entire…Read more...
• Parent Fact: Did You Know? August 9, 2022
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• Republican Senators Explain Why They Opposed The Climate Bill August 9, 2022
  “Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture.”Read more...
• Man On Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time Going To TheOnion.com August 9, 2022
  NEW YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last moments on Earth telling friends and family that he wished he had spent more time going to TheOnion.com. “As I lie here, knowing my end is drawing near, I can’t help but…Read […]
• Intimacy Coordinator Hired For Set Of ‘Hard Knocks’ To Ensure Safe Environment For Tackling August 9, 2022
  ALLEN PARK, MI—In an effort to provide more support to the athletes during the most difficult parts of filming, the producers of Hard Knocks announced Tuesday they had hired an intimacy coordinator for the set of the show to ensure a safe environment for tackling. “Having an intimacy coordinator working closely with…Read more...