The Onion

• Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit October 11, 2024
  A study published by University of Illinois-Chicago researchers found that advances in medical technology and genetic research are not translating into marked jumps in lifespan overall. What do you think? The post Human Lifespan Hits Upper Limit appeared first on The Onion.
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• Tips For Saving Money On Groceries October 11, 2024
  Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families’ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries. The post Tips For Saving Money On Groceries appeared first on The Onion.
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• Taco Bell Announces It’s Plumb Out Of Ideas For New Places To Put Beef October 11, 2024
  IRVINE, CA—Despite the fast food chain’s self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. “We’re stumped—we can’t think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment,” said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product […]
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• Conspiracy Theorists Claim Hurricanes Man-Made October 10, 2024
  Conspiracy theorists have taken to social media amidst a devastating hurricane season to promote false rumors that officials control the weather, with some claiming that Helene was an engineered storm to allow corporations to mine regional lithium deposits. What do you think? The post Conspiracy Theorists Claim Hurricanes Man-Made appeared first on The Onion.
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• Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘Megalopolis’ Flops October 10, 2024
  Francis Ford Coppola’s decades-in-the-making, self-financed epic Megalopolis flopped at the box office, earning only $4 million opening weekend despite the Godfather director spending $120 million of his own money. What do you think? The post Francis Ford Coppola’s ‘Megalopolis’ Flops appeared first on The Onion.
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• Biggest Supreme Court Cases To Watch October 10, 2024
  This Monday, the Supreme Court kicked off  its new term. Here is a selection of some of the most consequential issues the court can be expected to rule on over the coming months. The post Biggest Supreme Court Cases To Watch appeared first on The Onion.
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• Other Guy In Revolving Door Not Doing Shit To Help Move This Thing October 10, 2024
  MANCHESTER, NH—Blasting the individual for barely shuffling his goddamn feet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn’t doing shit to help move the thing. “Why do I have to put in all the work while this fucking freeloader gets off easy?” said Hodges, adding that this […]
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• Movie Chyron Reads ‘Davenport, IA’ As If It Not Glaringly Obvious Establishing Shot Is Of Vander Veer Botanical Park October 9, 2024
  NEW YORK—In a move widely criticized as insulting the intelligence of viewers, a movie chyron reportedly drew outrage Wednesday for reading “Davenport, IA” as if it wasn’t glaringly obvious that the establishing shot was of Vander Veer Botanical Park. “Yeah, no shit we’re in Davenport, IA—do they really think I need that spelled out for […]
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• Couple Denied Marriage License After Failing To Prove Love Beyond Reasonable Doubt October 9, 2024
  KANSAS CITY, MO—Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. “Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty […]
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• Carnival Cruise Debuts Extravagant All-Inclusive Journey To Edge Of Earth October 9, 2024
  The post Carnival Cruise Debuts Extravagant All-Inclusive Journey To Edge Of Earth appeared first on The Onion.
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• Mom Spends 15 Minutes Hearting Every Message From Last 5 Days Of Family Group Chat October 9, 2024
  RICHMOND, VA—In an attempt to make clear her feelings of emotional warmth toward their texts and photos, local mom Susan Barnes reportedly spent 15 minutes of her Thursday morning combing through the past five days of her family’s group chat and adding a heart emoji to each message. “My phone was blowing up every 10 […]
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• Ambulance Driver Pretty Embarrassed She Did All That Just To Go Three Blocks October 9, 2024
  MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting her knee-jerk response seemed to have been an overreaction, local ambulance driver Tara Stanton told reporters Wednesday that she was pretty embarrassed she did all of that just to go three blocks. “Oh jeez, if I’d known the guy’s apartment was this close, I never would’ve leaned on the horn and run all those […]
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