The Onion

• FDA Approves First Over-The-Counter Narcan To Reduce Overdoses March 31, 2023
  The Food and Drug Administration has approved selling the overdose-reversal drug Narcan without a prescription, a move long sought by advocates to aid the national response to the opioid crisis. What do you think?Read more...
• Indictment Finally Closes Chapter On Media Coverage Of Donald Trump March 31, 2023
  NEW YORK—Explaining that the matter could at long last be put to rest, the nation’s major news outlets announced Thursday that this week’s indictment of the former president would finally close the chapter on media coverage of Donald Trump. “Now that he’s been indicted, Mr. Trump can’t possibly have any future in…Read more...
• Trump: ‘All Arrests Are Politically Motivated As The Legal System Is The Codified Exercise Of Political Power’ March 31, 2023
  PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the news that the Manhattan District Attorney had indicted him over payments to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, former President Donald Trump denounced the move Friday, telling reporters, “All arrests are politically motivated, as the legal system is the codified exercise of political…Read more...
• Desperate Trump Flees To Remote Island Of Manhattan March 31, 2023
  PALM BEACH, FL—Pushing a hastily packed steamer trunk filled with clothes and money aboard his yacht before setting sail for the open seas, a desperate Donald Trump reportedly fled Friday for the remote island of Manhattan. “It’ll be a long journey—almost 10 days, by my count—but they’ll never think to look for me…Read more...
• Tucker Carlson: ‘Trump Is Being Unfairly Persecuted While There Are Still Blacks’ March 31, 2023
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• Breaking: MAGA Patriots Donate Here To Help Protect Our Beautiful President Trump March 31, 2023
  In order to PUT AN END TO THE INJUSTICE perpetrated by Manhattan District Attorney ALVIN BRAGG’s recent INDICTMENT of our BELOVED LEADER, MAGA PATRIOTS can now DONATE HERE to HELP PROTECT OUR BEAUTIFUL PRESIDENT TRUMP. The BEST PRESIDENT THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER HAD is under ATTACK by a POLITICALLY MOTIVATED WITCH HUNT…Read more...
• Manhattan Prosecutors Bag Impressive Trophy Indictment March 31, 2023
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• FBI Investigating Fourth-Grade Kid Who Said He Has Seen Over 200 Dead Bodies March 31, 2023
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• Bouncer At L.A. Club Checking IMDB Pages At The Door March 31, 2023
  LOS ANGELES—Operating in accordance with local laws, the bouncer at an L.A. nightclub was reportedly checking Internet Movie Database pages at the door, sources confirmed Friday. “Okay, people, please have your IMDB pages open on your phone by the time you get to the front of the line, or you’re shit out of luck,”…Read more...
• NFL Owners Announce Secret Meeting To Make Sure They Aren’t Colluding Against Lamar Jackson March 31, 2023
  PHOENIX—In an effort to investigate claims that they were conspiring to suppress the market for the Baltimore Ravens quarterback, NFL owners announced Friday that they had held a secret meeting to make sure they weren’t colluding against Lamar Jackson.“We had a big clandestine gathering where all 32 of us completely…Read more...
• Verified Twitter Users React To Losing Their Blue Check March 31, 2023
  Elon Musk has pledged to remove all verification for accounts that refuse to pay $8 per month for Twitter Blue. The Onion asked verified Twitter users how they felt about losing their coveted blue checks, and this is what they said.Read more...
• Man Declared Legally Dead Wakes Up In Urn March 31, 2023
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• Girlfriend Suspicious Boyfriend Cheating After Finding Another Woman’s Head March 31, 2023
  ALPHARETTA, GA—Feeling absolutely livid over the blood-stained discovery, 26-year-old Katy Ellis was reportedly suspicious that boyfriend Tyler Veith was cheating on her Friday after finding another woman’s head in their apartment. “Now who the hell does this belong to?” said Ellis, who bent down to pick up the stray…Read more...
• Italian Museum Invites Florida Students To See Some Real Porn March 30, 2023
  FLORENCE, ITALY—After a Tallahassee parent complained that pictures of Michelangelo’s David shown to a sixth-grade art class were “pornographic,” causing a principal to lose her job, officials from Italy’s Galleria dell’Accademia invited Florida students to come see some real porn Thursday. “If you thought David was…Read more...
• Ingenious Forms Of Birth Control Used In Ancient Times March 30, 2023
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• Police Sue Rapper For Using Footage Of Them Raiding His Home In Music Videos March 30, 2023
  Police are suing the rapper Afroman for invasion of privacy after the artist used home security footage in his music videos of officers raiding his home on unfounded suspicions of drug trafficking and kidnapping. What do you think?Read more...
• Dan Snyder Willing To Sell Washington Commanders To Whitest Bidder March 30, 2023
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• Nuts And Buries March 30, 2023
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• Jimmy Carter Enrolls In 2-Year Program To Become Dental Hygienist March 30, 2023
  PLAINS, GA—Calling the move a solid investment in his future, former President Jimmy Carter, 98, announced Thursday that he had enrolled in a two-year program at an Atlanta technical college that would allow him to become a dental hygienist. “I’ve always been passionate about dental hygiene, and I’m very excited to…Read more...