The Onion

• Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote October 21, 2024
  In an appeal to the powerful voting bloc, Trump told a group of influential Amish megadonors that, if elected, he would make turning on the lights or plugging in an appliance a criminal offense. The post Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote appeared first on The Onion.
  The Onion Staff
• Report Finds Americans Need To Cut Emissions By 3% In Order To Tell Themselves They Did Their Best October 21, 2024
  STANFORD, CA—Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell themselves they did their best. “It’s clear that as the planet continues to grow hotter, […]
  The Onion Staff
• Trump Accuses Kamala Harris Of Lying About Having Job At White House October 21, 2024
  WASHINGTON—In an attempt to sow further doubt about the vice president’s employment history, Donald Trump accused Kamala Harris Monday of lying about having a job at the White House. “Phony Kamala says she worked in a junior position at the White House for years, but they say they’ve got no record of her being there,” […]
  The Onion Staff
• Fire Station That Burned Down Didn’t Have Fire Alarm October 21, 2024
  A new fire station in central Germany, which was destroyed in a fire, did not have a fire alarm system, with local officials claiming no alarm was installed because experts had considered it unnecessary. What do you think? The post Fire Station That Burned Down Didn’t Have Fire Alarm appeared first on The Onion.
  The Onion Staff
• We Need To Take Trump’s Rhetoric Seriously, But Not Literally vs. Have That Guy Killed October 21, 2024
  Almost every day, the establishment seems to get it wrong trying to use Donald Trump’s words to paint him as a dire threat to our democracy. What so many fail to see—and what his supporters have long understood—is that Trump is a showman. When he speaks at rallies, he’s not telling us about his literal […]
  The Onion Staff
• 30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken October 19, 2024
  Nearly one third of the cameras in the Border Patrol’s primary surveillance system along the southern U.S. border are not working, with an internal memo blaming outdated equipment and repair issues. What do you think? The post 30% Of Border Patrol Cameras Broken appeared first on The Onion.
  The Onion Staff
• U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud October 18, 2024
  The U.S. Treasury Department said its expanded use of machine learning systems helped detect and prevent billions of dollars in fraudulent payments in 2024, claiming the approach contributed to the recovery of more than $4 billion. What do you think? The post U.S. Treasury Uses AI To Prevent Billions In Fraud appeared first on The […]
  The Onion Staff
• Bret Baier Admits He Made Mistake Letting Kamala Harris Speak October 18, 2024
  NEW YORK—Addressing blowback he received for his contentious interview with the Democratic nominee this week, Fox News anchor Bret Baier admitted Friday that he made a mistake letting presidential candidate Kamala Harris speak. “I want to say that it was absolutely a misstep to let Harris get a word in edgewise during our interview,” said […]
  The Onion Staff
• FEMA: Myth Vs. Fact October 18, 2024
  FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency.  MYTH: FEMA spends disaster recovery money on sheltering migrants. FACT: Those funds are exclusively used to buy migrants steak and lobster. MYTH: FEMA created […]
  Hannah Wolansky
• Nuclear Weapons Have The Potential To Frighten My Nervous Dogs October 18, 2024
  With its current setting of 90 seconds to midnight, the symbolic Doomsday Clock used by atomic scientists indicates that we are, at this moment, as close as we have ever been to an imminent nuclear catastrophe. Clearly, now more than ever, we need to strengthen our nuclear disarmament treaties, because the prospect of an atomic […]
  The Onion Staff
• Woman Feels Accomplished After Finishing Holiday Weight Gain Early October 18, 2024
  PITTSBURGH—Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. “Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year I’ve already put on all my extra weight for the holidays,” said Butcher, who added that looking for […]
  The Onion Staff
• Trump Releases Skull Measurements From Phrenology Exam October 18, 2024
  PALM BEACH, FL—Claiming he had the most “beautiful and perfect” cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurements from his latest phrenology exam. “According to my doctor and everyone at the Boston Phrenological Society, my incredible scalp morphology and brain […]
  The Onion Staff