The Onion
- Week In Review: November 27, 2022 November 27, 2022Read more...
- Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday November 25, 2022Read more...
- Campbell’s Introduces New Line Of Extra Hearty One-Chunk Soups November 25, 2022Read more...
- Things Former Twitter Employees Said About Elon Musk That Got Them Fired November 25, 2022Rule No. 1 of working at Twitter? Do not insult the chief twit. Here are things that former employees said about Elon Musk that immediately got them fired.Read more...
- Increasingly Unhinged Nate Silver Declares 39 Has 83% Chance Of Being 64 November 25, 2022NEW YORK—Raving to coworkers as he scribbled furiously on a map of the United States, increasingly unhinged statistician Nate Silver reportedly declared Friday that 39 had an 83% chance of being 64. “You have to crunch the data, and everything we’re seeing shows that out of thousands of 90s there’s a more than 47%…Read more...
- Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay November 25, 2022MILFORD, CT—Threatening to publicly expose millions of people’s names should no action be taken, Subway officials announced Friday that they would reveal the identities of customers who eat the restaurant’s food if they refused to pay a ransom. “If we do not receive your money transfer at Subway headquarters by…Read more...
- Chivalrous Predator Opens Trunk For Date November 25, 2022CLEVELAND—Telling the young woman that “her chariot awaits,” local predator Seth Forsyth reportedly opened the trunk for his date Friday in an act of chivalry. “Please, allow me,” Forsyth said with a smile, who offered his incapacitated date his arm to hold onto as he dragged her to the trunk of his car, bowing…Read more...
- Thanksgiving 2022: What Are We Thankful For? November 24, 2022Americans across the nation are sitting down to celebrate Thanksgiving. The Onion polled all 330 million Americans to find out what they’re most thankful for. Read more...
- Little-Known Origins Of Your Favorite Thanksgiving Foods November 24, 2022Read more...
- Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving November 24, 2022Today, Americans across the country are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for?Read more...
- Classic Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Best To Worst November 24, 2022People say the holidays are about spending time with family and friends, but we all know what it’s really about—food. From best to worst, here is a ranking of the iconic Thanksgiving dishes we all grew up eating.Read more...
- Onion Sports’ NFL Week 12 Picks November 24, 2022Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 12 games.Read more...
- ‘Help! Fucking Help! There’s Blood And Feces Everywhere And The Doors Won’t Unlock!’ Our Tech Columnist Takes A Sneak-Peek Inside A Self-Driving Tesla November 24, 2022Read more...
- Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender November 24, 2022HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s…Read more...
- Supreme Court Allows House Democrats To Obtain Trump’s Tax Returns November 23, 2022The Supreme Court rejected an emergency appeal from former President Donald Trump seeking to shield his tax returns from House Democrats, capping a three-year legal battle and paving the way for the release of his tax returns. What do you think?Read more...
- ‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens November 23, 2022CHESAPEAKE, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed at least six individuals and injured at least four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the…Read more...
- What To Know About The 2022 World Cup November 23, 2022The 2022 FIFA World Cup, which kicked off Sunday and continues through Dec. 18, met with more controversy than usual due to the actions of host nation Qatar. The Onion answers your most pressing questions about the 2022 World Cup.Read more...
- Thanksgiving Fact: Did You Know? November 23, 2022Read more...
- Bob Dylan’s Teenage Love Letters Sell For Over $650,000 At Auction November 23, 2022Bob Dylan’s love letters he wrote as a teen to his high school sweetheart sold at auction for $669,875, the lot consisting of 42 hand-written letters that spanned 150 pages. What do you think?Read more...