The Onion

• Dianne Feinstein’s Ashes Scattered On Kids Who Confronted Her Over Green New Deal September 29, 2023
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• Trump Could Lose Control Of Trump Tower After Fraud Ruling September 29, 2023
  Donald Trump could be at risk of losing control of his New York business properties, including Trump Tower, after a judge found that the former president and his company liable for fraud. What do you think?Read more...
• Senator Dianne Feinstein, Trailblazer In Being Old, Dead At 90 September 29, 2023
  WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. “Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old,” said the late Democrat’s chief…Read more...
• ‘The Onion’ Looks Back On 90 Years Of Dianne Feinstein Dying September 29, 2023
  Dianne Feinstein, who served as a senator of California since 1992, died Thursday night at the age of 90. The Onion looks back at 31 years of Feinstein becoming elderly while in office. Read more...
• Chiefs Fans React To Travis Kelce Dating Taylor Swift September 29, 2023
  With news spreading that pop star Taylor Swift is dating Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, The Onion asked Chiefs fans what they thought about the power couple, and this is what they said. Read more...
• Report: Sister Just Sitting On Boyfriend’s Lap Right There At Family Dinner September 29, 2023
  FERNDALE, CA—Trying to ignore the awkward display of affection being carried out between the two, 15-year-old Scott Barnard reported Friday that his sister Tabitha was just sitting on her boyfriend’s lap in front of the whole family during dinner. “We haven’t even finished our meal yet, and they’re all over each other…Read more...
• Your dream home! September 29, 2023
  Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better. Back deck with light wood rot an ideal place to fantasize about a superior domicile.Read more...
• U.S. Mint Releases Collection Of Coins Featuring Child Molester From Every State September 29, 2023
  WASHINGTON—Unveiling a commemorative series created in honor of the nation’s most renowned pedophiles, the U.S. Mint announced the release Friday of a new collection of coins that featured a child molester from every state in the union. “This fun, collectible currency showcases each state’s most iconic child sexual…Read more...
• Trader Joe’s Adds New Fitting Rooms Where Customers Can See How Food Will Look In Their Mouth September 29, 2023
  MONROVIA, CA—Announcing that renovations had been made to all 560 locations, grocery chain Trader Joe’s confirmed this week that they had added fitting rooms so customers could see how their food would look in their mouths. “Too often, a customer will arrive back home with their fresh Trader Joe’s finds only to…Read more...
• This Week's Most Viral News: September 29, 2023 September 29, 2023
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• Dogs React To Commander Biden Biting Another Secret Service Officer September 28, 2023
  Following the 11th instance in which President Joe Biden’s younger dog nipped at member of the federal law enforcement agency, The Onion asked dogs what they thought about Commander Biden biting another Secret Service officer, and this is what they said. Read more...
• North Korea Expels U.S. Soldier Who Crossed Border September 28, 2023
  U.S. officials have confirmed that Travis King, the American soldier who crossed into North Korea two months ago, has been expelled from the country and is in U.S. custody. What do you think?Read more...
• Released U.S. Soldier Won’t Shut Up About North Korean Candy September 28, 2023
  SAN ANTONIO, TX—Claiming that the Army private looks for any opportunity to mention the sweets, sources confirmed Thursday that released U.S. soldier Travis King won’t shut up about North Korean candy. “He goes on and on about the sugar-coated peanut candy being so much better than anything he’s ever had in the…Read more...
• Report: Government Shutdown Could Imperil Hundreds Of Americans Currently At Top Of Federally Funded Ferris Wheels September 28, 2023
  WASHINGTON—Warning about the grave fallout should Republicans and Democrats fail to find common ground in negotiations, a report released Thursday by the Congressional Budget Office found that a government shutdown could imperil hundreds of Americans currently at the top of federally funded Ferris wheels. “Even a…Read more...
• SNAP Recipients Now Required To Show Starvation-Induced Organ Failure September 28, 2023
  SAN FRANCISCO—Claiming the plan would ensure benefits went toward those who truly needed them, a new proposal by San Francisco Mayor London Breed would require Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients to demonstrate starvation-induced organ failure. “Starting today, all those applying for food stamp…Read more...
• Unsound System September 28, 2023
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• Whole Foods Closes 6 More Stores After Customer Tries Blueberry Without Paying For It September 28, 2023
  AUSTIN, TX—Ascribing the decision to prioritizing the safety of the chain’s employees and customers, grocery retailer Whole Foods announced Thursday that they would be closing 6 more stores across the country after a customer tried a blueberry without paying for it. “If someone takes even one more blueberry, we’ll be…Read more...
• Ford’s Theatre Tickets For Night Of Lincoln’s Murder Sell At Auction For $262,500 September 28, 2023
  A pair of front-row balcony tickets to Ford’s Theatre on April 14, 1865—the night President Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth—sold at auction for $262,500. What do you think?Read more...
• What To Know About The United Auto Workers Strike September 28, 2023
  Thousands of United Auto Workers members have walked off the job since the union initiated its strike on Sept. 15. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about about the UAW strike.Read more...