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  • Jeffrey Epstein Spotted Dancing To ‘Anti-Hero’ In Eras Tour VIP Tent July 12, 2024
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  • Woman Frantically Cleaning Up Entire City Before Parents Visit July 12, 2024
    CHICAGO—Racing to make everything tidy ahead of the quickly approaching visit, local woman Ellen Crandall was frantically cleaning up the entire city before her parents came into town for a visit, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’ve got to hide all these weed shops,” said Crandall, who wiped the sweat off her brow as…Read more...
  • Pros And Cons Of Impeaching The Supreme Court July 12, 2024
    Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has introduced impeachment articles against Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito for failure to disclose gifts and recuse themselves from certain cases. The Onion explores the pros and cons of impeaching everyone on the highest court in the land.Read more...
  • $1 Billion Donation To Johns Hopkins University To Allow Most Medical Students Free Tuition July 11, 2024
    Bloomberg Philanthropies announced that it is gifting $1 billion to Johns Hopkins University to cover medical students’ full tuition if their families earn less than $300,000, as well as cover the living expenses of students from families who earn less than $175,000 and increase financial aid for nursing and public…Read more...
  • Acts Of Profound And Unspeakable Evil Get A Bad Rap: Do They Really Deserve It? July 11, 2024
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  • Things Biden Can Do To Reinvigorate His Campaign July 11, 2024
    After his disastrous debate performance, President Joe Biden continues to flounder in the polls and faces a growing contingent of Democratic donors and elected officials calling for him to step down. The Onion explores several possible things Biden can do to reinvigorate his struggling campaign.Read more...
  • Senior Moment July 11, 2024
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  • Hims Opens Brick-And-Mortar Brothel To Boost Men’s Confidence July 11, 2024
    SAN FRANCISCO—Describing the new service as a “game changer” for its most loyal customers, telehealth company Hims opened a brick-and-mortar brothel Wednesday with the aim of boosting men’s confidence. “Hims is proud to launch its first-ever house of prostitution, which employs hundreds of highly trained sex workers…Read more...
  • God Forced To Shave Head After Contracting Plague Of Lice July 11, 2024
    THE HEAVENS—Saying He had no choice but to target the painful, itching sensation directly at the source, God Almighty, Creator of the Universe, was reportedly forced to shave his head Thursday after contracting a biblical plague of lice. “Yesterday, a misdirected divine commandment resulted in all the dust of the…Read more...
  • NATO Signs Contract To Produce $700 Million Worth Of Stinger Missiles July 10, 2024
    NATO announced a new contract among its member countries agreeing that they would begin producing $700 million worth of Stinger missiles, a surface-to-air defense system, with Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg saying that “There is no way to provide strong defense without a strong defense industry.” What do you think?Read more...
  • Megachurch Conducts Successful Nuclear Missile Test July 10, 2024
    LAKELAND, FL—In what the evangelical congregation hailed as a significant step forward for its security capabilities, local megachurch Lakeland Liberty Fellowship confirmed Tuesday it had conducted a successful test of a nuclear missile. “Today’s detonation of a 50-kiloton thermonuclear device should serve as a…Read more...
  • Report: Perhaps Old Mrs. Howard Saw Something July 10, 2024
    NEW YORK—Surveying an alley in an attempt to piece together what had gone on here last night, investigators reportedly looked up at the window of an apartment building this morning and speculated that perhaps old Mrs. Howard had seen something. According to neighborhood sources, the 83-year-old shut-in, who has lived…Read more...
  • Archaeologists Find Marble Statue Of Ancient God In A Sewer July 10, 2024
    Bulgarian archaeologists excavating an ancient Roman sewer stumbled upon a 6.8-foot-tall marble statue of the Greek god Hermes, which they believe was intentionally placed there in 388 A.D. and covered with dirt, causing it to be remarkably well preserved. What do you think? Read more...
  • Study Finds Increased Cognitive Function Linked To Being Released From Headlock July 10, 2024
    ITHACA, NY—In a new study published Wednesday that offers fresh insight into the relationship between brain activity and the classic restraining maneuver, scientists at Cornell University’s Department of Neurobiology and Behavior found increased cognitive function is linked to being released from a headlock. “Subjects…Read more...
  • Caitlin Clark Supplements Rookie Salary By Taking Adjunct Professor Of Basketball Job July 10, 2024
    INDIANAPOLIS—Saying she figured she could do course prep while traveling to away games on the team bus, WNBA star Caitlin Clark told reporters she had begun supplementing her rookie salary this week with a second job as an adjunct professor of basketball. “I’m teaching a freshman-level Intro to Basketball Studies…Read more...
  • Point/Counterpoint: Hillary Clinton Is Polling Ahead Of Joe Biden vs. Did Somebody Say Hillary Clinton? July 9, 2024
    For Joe Biden, the next few days will be a make or break moment for his campaign. After a bad debate performance, many high-ranking officials and Democratic donors have called for him to bow out, and for another candidate, perhaps Kamala Harris, Gretchen Whitmer, or Gavin Newsom, to step up.Read more...
  • Locals Fire Water Pistols At Visitors During Barcelona’s Anti-Tourist Protests July 9, 2024
    Thousands of protesters in Barcelona attended a demonstration led by the Assemblea de Barris pel Decreixement Turístic (Neighborhood Assembly for Tourism Degrowth) to express their opposition to the number of visitors the city receives, with attendees spraying any tourists they saw with water guns. What do you think? Read more...
  • Wimbledon Trying To Excite Us, But The Ball Still Just Goes Back And Forth All Day July 9, 2024
    LONDON—As the prestigious tennis event entered the quarterfinals, unenthused sources confirmed Tuesday that although Wimbledon continued to try to excite us, the ball still just went back and forth all day. “We really wish we could get excited by the ball going back and forth, but it’s simply not happening,” said…Read more...
  • Biden Team Holds Rapid-Fire Series Of Public Events Featuring President Waving From Very Far Away July 9, 2024
    WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat escalating concerns about the commander-in-chief’s fitness for office, the Biden campaign kicked off a rapid-fire series of events Tuesday that featured the president waving from very far away. “President Biden wants to show voters he’s fired up and committed to this fight for the…Read more...