The Onion

• Newsom Orders Removal Of Homeless Encampments July 26, 2024
  California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) issued an executive order calling on state officials to begin taking down homeless encampments, buoyed by a recent U.S. Supreme Court decision that ruled such “anti-camping” ordinances did not violate the Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. What do you think?Read more...
• Team USA’s Arrival In France Leaves American Basketball Rims Largely Unguarded July 26, 2024
  WASHINGTON—Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA’s arrival in France for the Olympics had left America’s own basketball rims largely unguarded. “In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men’s national basketball team landing in Paris has left an…Read more...
• Paris Opening Ceremony Features Tedious 45-Minute Discussion Of Godard’s Early Works July 26, 2024
  PARIS—With more than a billion viewers tuning in from around the world only to find themselves watching a panel of French film scholars and critical theorists, the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics began Friday with a tedious 45-minute discussion of Jean-Luc Godard’s early works. “We’re half an hour in, and…Read more...
• Steven Spielberg Apologizes For Removing Kiss Between E.T., Elliott July 26, 2024
  LOS ANGELES—In a bombshell interview that has divided the movie’s fans and set the internet ablaze, director Steven Spielberg apologized Friday for removing a kiss between E.T. and Elliot from his classic 1982 film. “Though I understand now why fans wanted the titular extraterrestrial to grab his 10-year-old costar,…Read more...
• PornHub Surprises Frequent User With Wife, Loving Family Upon 10,000th Masturbation July 26, 2024
  SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to reward the loyal fan for his years of support, PornHub reportedly surprised frequent user Jeffrey Mitchell this week with a wife and loving family after he reached his 10,000th masturbation with the adult platform. “Jeff, we can’t thank you enough for all of the loads you’ve busted to…Read more...
• Credit Card Delinquency Rates Hit 12-Year High July 26, 2024
  New data showed that the share of credit card balances that are past due reached the highest level since the Philadelphia Federal Reserve began tracking it in 2012, indicating that people are struggling to pay off their credit card debt even as many trim their spending. What do you think?Read more...
• Physical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For Wall July 26, 2024
  EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. “That’s so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but…Read more...
• Tips For Getting Diagnosed With ADHD As An Adult July 26, 2024
  As awareness of the condition has grown, so have diagnoses and self-diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults. The Onion presents tips for those seeking an ADHD diagnosis.Read more...
• Hydrothermal Explosion At Yellowstone Blasts Debris Into Sky July 25, 2024
  A surprise eruption in Yellowstone National Park shot steam, water, and dark-colored rocks and dirt high into the sky, sending alarmed sightseers running for safety. What do you think?Read more...
• Delight At Receiving Breakfast In Bed Mitigated By Difficulty Of Eating While Horizontal July 25, 2024
  TAMPA, FL—Explaining that his plate was positioned perpendicular to, rather than parallel with, his mouth, local man Dominic Worley told reporters Thursday that his delight at being served breakfast in bed was greatly mitigated by the difficulty of eating while horizontal. “Naturally, I was thrilled to wake up and…Read more...
• The Onion Film Standard: ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ July 25, 2024
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• Fact-Checking J.D. Vance’s ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ July 25, 2024
  Sales for Hillbilly Elegy, the 2016 memoir written by J.D. Vance, are soaring again after the Ohio senator was selected as Donald Trump’s running mate. The Onion revisits and fact-checks the bestseller.Read more...
• Biden Drops Out Of Presidential Race July 24, 2024
  President Joe Biden ended his reelection bid and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris to succeed him, saying in a statement posted to his official X account that, “It has been the greatest honor of [his] life to serve as your President.” What do you think?Read more...
• Netanyahu Addresses Congress July 24, 2024
  Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke in front of Congress at the invitation of House Speaker Mike Johnson, marking the his first visit to Washington in almost four years and first trip abroad since the war in Gaza began. What do you think?Read more...
• Message Hidden Backward In Black Sabbath Album Wishes Everyone A Good Time Listening To Rock And Roll July 24, 2024
  OMAHA, NE—Subliminally influencing those who have purchased the 1971 album to sit back and enjoy the music, a hidden message discovered Wednesday when local heavy metal fans played Black Sabbath’s Master Of Reality backward reportedly urges everyone to have a good time listening to rock and roll. “Hey there, friends,…Read more...
• Suicidal Man Urged By Onlookers To Jump From Higher Floor July 24, 2024
  NEW YORK—Pleading with the individual to think rationally, onlookers reportedly urged suicidal jumper Harrison Zwillet to leap from a higher floor Wednesday. “No! Please! Go higher!” called out just one good Samaritan from the ground below, doing her best to deter the distressed stranger from jumping from such a…Read more...
• J.D. Vance Vows To Fight For Forgotten Communities In Silicon Valley July 23, 2024
  SAN FRANCISCO—Pledging to never leave behind the many millionaires and billionaires from the region who helped shape him into the person he is now, vice presidential candidate J.D. Vance vowed in a speech Tuesday that he would always fight for the forgotten communities in Silicon Valley. “Many of the Democratic …Read more...
• Trump Vows To Unite Nation Against Common Enemy Of Other Americans July 23, 2024
  GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Addressing supporters at his latest rally, former President Donald Trump vowed over the weekend to unite the nation against the common enemy of other Americans. “We must come together to defeat the scourge that is our fellow Americans,” said the Republican presidential nominee, who reportedly spoke…Read more...
• ‘Really, Really, Really Happy For You, Kamala,’ Says Hillary Clinton, Not Letting Go Of Handshake July 23, 2024
  WASHINGTON—Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was ‘really, really, really happy’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee’s hand and refused to let go of it. “So, so, so…Read more...