The Onion

• Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys December 20, 2024
  Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys.  1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children’s demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you […]
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• Political Profile: Pete Hegseth December 20, 2024
  Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair  Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in  Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho […]
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• Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post December 20, 2024
  First lady Jill Biden announced that she is stepping down from her teaching position at Northern Virginia Community College, capping off over 40 years of teaching in both high school and community college classrooms. What do you think? The post Jill Biden Leaves Teaching Post appeared first on The Onion.
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• Top Russian General Killed By Bomb December 20, 2024
  Russian Lieutenant General Igor Kirillov, who was chief of Russia’s Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Protection Troops, was killed outside a Moscow apartment building when a bomb hidden in an electric scooter went off, with Ukraine taking credit in the most high-profile killing of its kind. What do you think? The post Top Russian General Killed […]
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• AI? Ai-Yai-Yai! December 20, 2024
  Question for Jeanketeers: Who do you write to if you want to get things to stop changing? Congress? Or influencers, like a lady I spotted the other day in the Walgreens parking lot filming herself in her car yelling? Just asking for a friend (name of Dale Jeanstea!) who would like change to chill out […]
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• BREAKING: Holy Shit, Daniel Day-Lewis Is In This December 20, 2024
  CLEVELAND—Screaming with delight when the rarely seen star appeared onscreen in the opening scene of the film, sources confirmed Thursday that, holy shit, Daniel Day-Lewis is in this. “Man, I thought this was just a Paul Dano flick, but I guess Daniel Day-Lewis has some sort of cameo in it, too?” said one source, who leaned […]
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• Faded Outline Of Ex-Girlfriend’s Name Still Visible On Stocking December 20, 2024
  MILWAUKEE—Noticing the discolored places where different letters had once adorned the decoration, area woman Paula Jackson observed Friday that the faded outline of an ex-girlfriend’s name was still visible on the Christmas stocking given to her by her boyfriend’s mom. “At first I thought maybe ‘Jessica’ was just the brand name of the stocking, but […]
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• Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse December 19, 2024
  MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse.  “Nothing will stick—the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey’s kisses—they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me,” said Renton, who stared […]
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• Ho, Ho, Ho, I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! December 19, 2024
  The post Ho, Ho, Ho, I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.
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• Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends December 19, 2024
  CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. “It’s crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they […]
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• NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number December 19, 2024
  NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules. “Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any […]
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• Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid December 19, 2024
  CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. “Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by […]
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