The Onion

• Kennedy Family Endorses Biden April 19, 2024
  In a stark rejection of Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a coalition of Kennedy family members publicly endorsed Joe Biden’s campaign for reelection, with Kerry Kennedy saying that “nearly every single grandchild of Joe and Rose Kennedy supports Joe Biden.” What do you think?Read more...
• Circus Elephant Escapes In Montana April 19, 2024
  An elephant named Viola escaped from the Jordan World Circus in Butte, MO after being spooked by a car while getting a bath and bolting, making it several blocks downtown before being corralled and returned. What do you think?Read more...
• Conservatives React To Alex Garland’s ‘Civil War’ April 19, 2024
  Alex Garland’s newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America’s second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.Read more...
• Man Being Crucified By Romans Keeps Arrogantly Comparing His Plight To Jesus April 19, 2024
  ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. “Look, I feel for…Read more...
• IRS Under Fire For Blowing $350 Million Developing MMORPG Tax Video Game Called ‘Tales Of Revenue’ April 19, 2024
  WASHINGTON—Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency’s spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. “When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it’d just be a…Read more...
• Disturbing Reports Find IDF Playing Amy Schumer Stand-Up Clips To Drive Palestinians From Homes April 19, 2024
  DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA—Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer’s stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. “The IDF is currently using a…Read more...
• Woman Lured Into Dark Alley By Sign Reading ‘Self-Defense Class’ April 19, 2024
  PHILADELPHIA—Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading “Free self-defense class for women.” “Free self-defense class this way? Don’t mind if I do,” said Morgan, who delightedly followed the…Read more...
• Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase April 18, 2024
  During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?Read more...
• White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin April 18, 2024
  WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. “Oh, man, the poor little guy must’ve fallen in…Read […]
• Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives April 18, 2024
  LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring…Read more...
• Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair April 18, 2024
  LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her…Read more...
• Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA April 18, 2024
  Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women’s National Basketball Association.Read more...
• Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went April 18, 2024
  CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone’s attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. “Oh Lord, I wonder…Read […]
• Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray April 18, 2024
  RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to…Read more...
• New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor April 18, 2024
  RESTON, VA—Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still the fastest way to commute to eccentric inventor jobs. “Even in areas with access…Read more...
• All-Inclusive Living April 18, 2024
  This exclusive gated community features everything from restaurants to basketball courts, and it even has its own security team!Read more...
• Record Number Of Windmills Installed In 2023 April 18, 2024
  A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think?Read more...
• Marvel Fans Explain Why The Silver Surfer Could Never Be Female April 18, 2024
  Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.Read more...
• Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers April 17, 2024
  Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What do you think?Read more...