Surviving CR – A Blast from the Past

Jesse Bishop - NOV 05, 2017
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Greetings, folks of the future!

Time travel has always been a favorite sci-fi subject of mine, so I’ve decided to take advantage of the fact that my Howler submission deadlines seem to be getting earlier and further ahead of actual publication dates. That means those of you who are reading this are in the future — perhaps November 2017 — and I hope, living in a much safer and more harmonious world. Therefore, think of this column as a kind of literary time capsule from a time you now consider “awhile back.”

So how did that whole North Korea thing work out? I can only assume cooler heads prevailed and the rogue commie country is now the 51st state, taking its place proudly next to North Dakota and North Carolina.

Did President Trump ever finish firing everybody who needed firing? And is former San Antonio Spurs basketball legend and tattoo prodigy Dennis Rodman somewhere in the new mix? I’m thinking attorney general, vice president or possibly governor of the newest state.

What about Canada? Did they ever build that 5,525-mile-long wall along the U.S. border to keep out fleeing Democrats? And did Prime Minister Trudeau really get the U.S. to pay for it? I’d gladly sneak into Canada and stay awhile myself, if only the language wasn’t so difficult to pick up.

If you’ll indulge me, I have a few questions for my future self. First, are you still alive? (You younger readers may not appreciate this, but we “60s are the new 30s” types have a slight mortality phobia.) If the answer is “yes,” then I’m curious if you ever cut that weird beard of yours? I know the only reason you have it is because your wife demands you keep it. Did you ever grow the cojones to defy her? I doubt it.
Speaking of wives, did she ever get rid of that whole “just getting better and better looking” thing? I doubt it.

I betcha my not-so-distant future self is pretty excited about how the Dallas Cowboys are doing early into the 2017 season. Most of their opponent teams will have already surrendered, keeping the loss column at a consistent zero. The coach has surely taken my advice to reinstate Roger Staubach as quarterback. Ultimately, the Cowboys will be drafted to represent the United States in the 2018 FIFA World Cup “football” tournament in Moscow. Eat your hearts out, Patriots fans of the future!

Closer to home, I’m guessing the new paved road between Tamarindo and Villarreal has been dug up and replaced with an even newer paved road. And has a new batch of car-swallowing potholes imploded on the dirt road to Langosta? Presumably, the local water suppliers (Instituto Costarricense de Acueductos y Alcantarillados) have figured out how to service the continuing spasm of future home construction. I hope there’s no objection to the salty taste.

Closer to our hearts, is the Howler being honored with that well-deserved Nobel Prize for Cumulative Literature? Hope my humble writings have helped in some small way.