Fake News

Jesse Bishop - DEC 28, 2016
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As of this writing the big news on the cable news programs is that much of the news being delivered is fake, made up, not true, bogus and possibly even ersatz. Not to be outdone our Howler investigative research staff have dug up some rather fishy and sometimes inflammable stories found either online, on TV or overheard at local drinking establishments.

From a story found online on Costa Rica PMS: The World High Court in The Hague, Netherlands, have settled in favor of Nicaragua and have ordered Costa Rica to give back Guanacaste. The new “Tres Hermanas” frontier border will now be at the Gigantic Bull Statue on the main highway to San Jose where locals are encouraged to register as guest workers.

This, of course, is just not true. The Hague Court is not in session this time of year and the Nicaraguan Government on numerous occasions have stated that all they’re interested in are the Papagayo Peninsula Luxury Resorts and maybe part of Escazu.

From the online “CR Truth and Trash” blog: It was announced today that Mel Gibson will be running in the next 2018 Costa Rican Presidential Elections. This was made possible by the recent amendment to the constitution allowing rich foreign movie stars to take part. The spokesman reassured assembled reporters that the large amount of new Mercedes in the “Constitutional Amendment Department” parking lot is merely a coincidence.

This, of course, is utter nonsense. Mel Gibson already owns 51% of Costa Rica and hardly needs to be president, and anyone who follows San Jose government big wig car preferences knows that the parking lot would be full of BMWs.

From a Hotmail Facebook Update from the Association of Tamarindo Associates, (ATA):
It was recently revealed that the crocodiles recently removed from the Tamarindo “Surfer Bait” estuary have been sold to an unscrupulous group of anti-eco businessmen who have yet to reveal their further plans for the captured reptiles. This goes directly against the statement issued by the local “Ministry of Things that Live” claiming the crocs had been removed and re-located to a healthier and more humane locale.

Local crocodile activists are now keeping an eye on local high end fashion stores for any sign of new handbags and suspicious pumps, as well as local restaurants advertising dinner specials like
Reptile Cordon Bleu or Croc Wellington.

Now you would think that the fine folk at ATA would have better things to do then spread this kind of misinformation. Recently the entire Howler investigative research staff jumped into my trusty Daihatsu and drove to the recently set up GUANACANO BAY COCODRILLO DETENTION CENTER, hidden in a remote jungle location near the border of Nicaragua, where we were shown a crocodile that officials assured us was one of the “ones from Tamarindo”. The crocodile was in what appeared to be a large functioning hot tub, and was attended to by two very attractive local jungle women who fed the fortunate reptile a delicious variety of fresh fish while mellow new age animal sound music wafted out over a state of the art sound system.

The entire investigative team breathed a deep sigh of relief after seeing such good care and asked where the other re-located crocs were. We were assured that the others were at special “Crocodile Re-education Ponds” and sadly were unavailable at that time.

I can’t remember if it was CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, Al Jazeera, Telemundo or Hollywood Tonight, but this one caught my eye: Donald Trump announced today, to a stunned group of supporters in the state Capital of Augusta, that he would be trading their state of Maine with Canada in exchange for the province of Manitoba and a hockey team to be named later. The exchange will happen immediately upon Mr. Trump being sworn in as president, and in a late night tweet the soon to be President assured residents of both the Province and State that the transition would go smoothly due to the fact the both languages were “fairly similar”.

This one falls into the “I really hope this one’s not fake” department. I mean who even knew the capital of Maine was Augusta? I’m sure it’s a nice state and everything, but I’ve never been there…have you?

And to have Manitoba instead! Not only will America be greater, it will be larger, exchanging Maine’s meager 35,385 square miles for Manitoba’s 250,950, and there will be even less people to feed by 121,060 persons. Think of the savings.

As far as a mutual language…I’ve spoken to people from both Maine and Manitoba and have never been able to understand a word from either.

But who needs a TV, computer or smartphone to gather fake news just hangout and eavesdrop at any local watering hole or town event. This is the year the roads in Tamarindo will be paved;
the government is granting amnesty and free residency to anyone who’s been here more than four months; angry readers are suing the Nobel Prize again for ignoring the Howler Magazine’s rebirth; the new pizza place in town has CrocaPizza.

Just stick with us at the Howler Magazine, where in the finest of Costa Rican traditions: If we don’t have an answer for you we’ll at least tell you what you want to hear.

It works every time.