The Onion

• Arkansas Government Questioned About $19,000 Lectern Purchase April 18, 2024
  During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?Read more...
• White House Gardener Finds Rotting Biden In Compost Bin April 18, 2024
  WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. “Oh, man, the poor little guy must’ve fallen in…Read […]
• Martin Scorcese To Direct Leonardo DiCaprio As Frank Sinatra For Rest Of Their Lives April 18, 2024
  LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring…Read more...
• Leak Suggests New Taylor Swift Album All About Sink Not Draining Good Because It Clogged By Long Hair April 18, 2024
  LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her…Read more...
• Pros And Cons Of Caitlin Clark Going To The WNBA April 18, 2024
  Iowa women’s basketball star Caitlin Clark was selected by the Indiana Fever as the first overall pick in the highly anticipated 2024 WNBA draft. The Onion investigates the pros and cons of the 22-year-old phenom going to play for the Women’s National Basketball Association.Read more...
• Attention-Seeking Friend Obviously Hoping Someone Will Ask Where Other Arm Went April 18, 2024
  CHAMPAIGN, IL—As she struggled to pull open the café door with an armful of books, friends of local woman Fela Torres reported Wednesday that the drama queen was, as usual, seeking everyone’s attention and obviously hoping the sad display would lead to one of them asking where her other arm went. “Oh Lord, I wonder…Read […]
• Glade Introduces New Meat Freshener Spray April 18, 2024
  RACINE, WI—Touting the product as a quick, easy way to take the putrid stench out of expired goods, household brand Glade announced Wednesday that it had released a brand-new meat freshener spray. “With Glade’s new meat freshener spray, say goodbye to animal products with rotting, foul odors, and hello to…Read more...
• New Study Finds Rocket-Powered Roller Skates Still Fastest Way To Commute To Job As Eccentric Inventor April 18, 2024
  RESTON, VA—Documenting how spiraling loop-de-loops through traffic help workers speed past rush-hour bottlenecks, a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Transportation Engineering found that rocket-powered roller skates were still the fastest way to commute to eccentric inventor jobs. “Even in areas with access…Read more...
• All-Inclusive Living April 18, 2024
  This exclusive gated community features everything from restaurants to basketball courts, and it even has its own security team!Read more...
• Record Number Of Windmills Installed In 2023 April 18, 2024
  A report from the Global Wind Energy Council found that worldwide, windmills able to produce 117 gigawatts of power were installed in 2023, a 50% increase from the previous year. What do you think?Read more...
• Marvel Fans Explain Why The Silver Surfer Could Never Be Female April 18, 2024
  Though most incarnations of the superhero have been male, it was recently announced that Julia Garner would play a female Silver Surfer in a new Fantastic Four movie. The Onion asked Marvel fans why the Silver Surfer could never be a woman, and this is what they said.Read more...
• Florida Bans Local Heat Protections For Outdoor Workers April 17, 2024
  Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a bill preventing local Florida governments from requiring heat protection for people working outdoors, such as in construction or agriculture, becoming the second state to adopt such a law after Texas. What do you think?Read more...
• Janet Yellen Unveils Plan To Boost Economy By Stealing World’s Largest Diamond April 17, 2024
  WASHINGTON—Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamond ever found. “The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England…Read more...
• DOJ Announces You Didn’t See Any Of That April 17, 2024
  WASHINGTON—Warning that sweet, innocent little Americans should know by now to mind their own business, a blood-drenched Attorney General Merrick Garland began a televised press conference Wednesday by telling the nation it didn’t see any of that. “Look, I don’t know what all 340 million of you think you just saw, but…Read more...
• New York City Launches New Shareable E-Cig Program April 17, 2024
  NEW YORK—In a long-awaited initiative that city officials said would ease the stress of busy, on-the-go New Yorkers, Mayor Eric Adams announced Wednesday the launch of a new shareable e-cig program that serves high-density areas throughout the five boroughs. “It’s as easy as swiping your card and taking a drag,” said…Read more...
• Quiz: Could You Serve On Donald Trump’s Jury? April 17, 2024
  Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York.Read more...
• Sharpshooting Mom Snipes Bread Out Of Daughter’s Hands From 800 Meters Away April 17, 2024
  DUBLIN, CA—Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread out of her daughter’s hands from 800 meters away. “Everyone be very careful—no…Read more...
• Tesla Lays off 14,000 Workers April 17, 2024
  Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced the layoffs of 10% of the company’s workforce, stating that the cuts would allow the foundering corporation to “be lean, innovative and hungry for the next growth phase cycle.” What do you think?Read more...
• Sports Bettors Explain How They Would Have Used $16 Million Of Ohtani’s Money April 17, 2024
  Ippei Mizuhara, the interpreter for Shohei Ohtani, allegedly stole $16 million from the Dodgers star and lost $40 million while gambling with the funds. The Onion asked sports bettors to explain how they would have used the money, and this is what they said.Read more...